CoffeeJules

And was present to listen to one of the most powerful sermons I think I’ve ever heard. So much so that I was moved enough to introduce myself to the pastor that gripped the gospel gun afterwards. I’ve never done that. Methinks perhaps a blessin’ ain’t a blessin’ until it’s declared. Just had to shake the hand of the person who delivered it. Monday mornin’ and I’m still with mouth agape.

But alas here I am. Therapy. No drugs. No meds. No alcohol. Just taking it straight on the chin. Meeting it head on.

I didn’t have a journal entry for Saturday 10 September. I had posted early on Friday 9 September then headed back to Houston from Oklahoma. Turns out Emily and I met for dinner last Friday. It was unplanned. I got back home nearly 6:30 pm and she did ask I text her upon arrival. The stars just lined up perfectly in the form of both of us just feeling lonely. We had a nice dinner but I left back home early. It seemed like dinner with a friend, sadly enough. We kept our distance even though we sat on the same side of the booth. We departed early.

The next evening we agreed to meet for dinner again. In a nice restaurant near the water. Emily talked and talked. So much she had to say. I noticed her “5 Love Languages” book. Interestingly, we never uttered a word about it.

I decided earlier in the evening to get a room. It’s customary. Very normal. In the past, we’d have a Saturday date and I would stay the night at a hotel. The next morning we’d meet for breakfast.

She didn’t allow sex. That was determined early on. And I had to be okay with it. No matter how difficult it was, I agreed. Emily is a stunner. Keeping my hands off her was always a challenge. She has soft welcoming green eyes yet intense when driving a point but hardened by the unexpected obstacle of her husband dying in September of 2020.

Saturday Sept 10, I learned so much about her. We began dating in May but we had been speaking for awhile before that. But like any relationship, we learn about each other through the course of time.

This is getting difficult to write so I’ll try and wrap up. That night was the closest we had ever been physically. By rule, I chose NOT to ever kiss her. It had become a source of consternation with her. She felt it was because we were not to have sex. Sort of my way to get back at her. Which of course, was simply not true. Finally at the end of our relationship, I revealed my reasoning “I’m sorry,” I began, “With you being a widow I just felt I needed to be extra careful and respect that you haven’t kissed anyone since your husband. I’m not saying it’s wrong or it’s right, it’s just the way I felt.”

We made out that night in a dark hotel room with the moon shining in like a pair of teenagers. The a/c felt so perfect. Bodies pressed, I didn’t want to let go. Only the second time I pressed my lips to hers. And yes our clothes stayed on. Not sure if a woman can fully appreciate just how difficult it is for a man to contain himself. Still, I did somehow.

The stinging irony is I waited this long to kiss her and yet it was my last.

*Dear Diary…..there is so much I want to unpack, but at this moment, it’s a bit overwhelming.

Heaven knows I live in hell. My bedroom is my cell. Makes me wonder if I ever said goodbye.

And thank God I’m not on it. Surely folks would think I belong in a straight jacket. Too much sleep. Way too much coffee. And much too many – WAY too many “but what if’s” regarding her. I’m driving out to work and just make sales calls. So glad I found my “therapy” in penning my thoughts. I don’t do FB, or Twitter, or Instagrams, GoldenGrahms or anything. All I know is how to email and text. So I have phone and laptop and her email and her number and and and I’ll try like crazy not to call or text or email or drive to her.

My thoughts as I leave the house this pretty morning.

The silence is deafening.

The routines we get accustomed to. The daily “thinking of you” or the “can I call you?” texts, gone.

Whether near to me or far
No matter, darling, where you are
I think of you
Day and night. Night and day. Why is it so? That this longing follows wherever I go?

……..ain’t got nuthin’ to do, but roll ’round Heaven all day.”

It’s a single made famous by Frankie Laine in the late ’40’s. I like how Asleep At The Wheel sings it better.

Today hopefully she’ll get a good work schedule to have the time to lay out in the sun. And today we had plenty of blue sky with a healthy dose of sunlight to bask in. More than anything she enjoyed being outside. It’s why I discovered hiking and reacquainted myself with tennis after a hiatus of a few decades. One of the many reasons I miss her. I wasn’t afraid to tell her I learned from her.

Just 2 weeks ago she was heading home on a Sunday when she decided it was bright enough to lay out. Instead of making the 35-minute drive home, I laid out a blanket in the back yard. She soaked up the sun for approximately 2 hours. Hahaha this made her tired and too lazy to make the drive. So we got her a hotel room with a swimming pool. I smile when I think of how the simple things make her happy. She jumped in the cool pool like a dolphin.

It’s the little things in life…………

Funerals notwithstanding, do not send flowers to anyone. Ever.  It’s too cliché.  It’s too cheesy. 

However, if you’re a man that finds yourself in an unenviable position then surely you should entertain it. Send flowers only when nothing else is working. Send flowers if you haven’t done anything egregiously bad yet remain in a gray area between you and her. 

Sending flowers is the equivalent to the Hail Mary in football in all levels. Do it in matters urgent. 

When options are depleted. 

For those who don’t quite understand the Hail Mary, it’s usually done late late LATE in the game with only seconds remaining and your team is still within one score of either tying or winning the ball game. The coach will yell out to his star quarterback, “Hey I think we should dial up a Hail Mary.” To which the quarterback will retort, “Well what do we have to lose, right?”

Coach: At this moment, nothing. Go to it!

When words are no longer working and you still need to get across some type of communication, then yes by all means, send flowers. It’s universal. It’s a man shrugging his shoulders to say, “I’ve got nothing left. I’m out of words. I am, after all, merely a man. So I’ll shut my mouth and have these flowers speak for me.”

Flowers sent is the end result of a man’s brain speaking to his heart. The heart is too busy being pensive. Being sullen. That’s when the brain needs to step in as if to say, “Here I am to save the day!”

Now just like in football, it’s not a guarantee it will work. But it will buy you some time and precious minutes to state your case with her. 

And for Pete’s sake, do NOT have them delivered. Go to a store. Pick out what you want. Get a witty card and also for sure include a box of candy. This little procedure actually can have a calming effect on a man. It’s a stress relief for sure. If she’s not home, drop them off. Take a pic. She’ll see them sooner or later. 

Note: don’t do this exercise for her. Do it for you. It will help maintain a semblance of peace in your soul knowing you came up with a good idea all on your own. Should it put a smile on her face, consider it an added bonus. 

Something about a Sunday that just ….sigh. Makes me want to get away. Old Blue Eyes had it right. Maybe it’ll be my anthem from now on. Yes I’m singing his lyrics as I type. I don’t sound near as good though.

“……In me you see a man alone
Held by the habit of being on his own
A man who listens to the trembling of the trees
With sentimental ease

In me you see a man alone
Behind the wall he’s learned to call his home
A man who still goes walking in the rain
Expecting love again

A man not lonely
Except when the dark comes on
A man learning to live with
Memories of midnights
That fell apart at dawn

In me you see a man alone
Drinking up Sundays and spending them alone
A man who knows love is seldom what it seems
Only other people’s dreams…..”

In how I feel today, love truly is in other people’s dreams – certainly it’s not in mine. Somehow love didn’t find me. It has become elusive. I belong to no one.

Today is “missed call Friday!”

You called!!!

I’m learning technology at the speed of life. I’m in a very remote area and can’t get to you. But you don’t know how a missed call on my phone brings an indelible smile.
And thrilled to have learned to post from a remote area. I might be a different person if we see each other again. A missed call….YAY!

North bound across the Red River into foreign territory. Road trip, but with a purpose. Well timed also. Maybe to ponder the text she sent. Healthy for sure. Leaving here at 4:45 am. Full moon out. Gosh that’s so romantic.

This trip (2 days) is business related. Much more fun when it’s a business that’s mine. Albeit stressful. I have good stress right now. Launching a joint business venture and tasking myself to find a way to get her back in my life. Sweet Emily I miss you. If only I could tell you. You’re in my heart every step of the way until my return when I see miles and miles of Texas….and all the stars up in the sky.

Awakened unexpectedly by a text. It’s her. 10:17 PM. Not that it’s bad timing but I really need to sleep for a quick trip north. Happy to have heard from her. It’s a sermon. And yes, I listened to every minute of it. Hopeful.